Whats Going on in the Life of the Ward's
This Blog is my quarterly update's on what's happening in our life
I am now near the end of my Faith Journey in Europe and about to enter a new one in going back to the US. As I look at my time I have so many thoughts and feelings about it all. When people ask me how my time was I really don't know how to answer with a quick response. I am at a loss for words as it was much deeper then I knew and I think will continue to unfold for some time to come.
I may may be a little raw and vulnerable in what I am about to write and it scares me a little to let people read about the deeper things of my heart, but I am going to go for it anyway.
A lot of people have heard my testimony and know some of my journey. I have been in full time ministry now for many years and my life is about living for Jesus. I speak all the time on relationship with Holy Spirit and how He is my best friend. Every bit of it is true. For sometime now I had realized that I had come to a place in my life where I gave my life away to people. Anyone that really knows me knows that I say more then having a prophetic gift I have a gift of love. Most days start with me being with people by 8 or 9 am and not getting home from ministry till 10 at night. No one asked me to give this much of myself, I have just grown accustomed to it. I have realized for some time now that I can not maintain a healthy life this way. I just love to minister and be with people! I knew in many ways I needed to find my "first love" again. I set out on this faith journey not really knowing what would happen. A little scared nothing would.
It has always been my dream to go to Ireland and then Scotland and Wales. Never did I imagine I would go alone. I had no one to go with me so I decided to do it alone and n the back of mind I knew it was a set up from God. That first night in London I thought maybe I had lost my mind in doing this. All alone in a not so great part of town, driving a manuel on the other side of the road and not really have much money. Things did get better and soon I got used to it all. It was weird at first going to see things and experiencing all this by myself. I did talke to my best friend Holy Spirit throughout it all. Sometimes I would just walk down the streets signing. As time went on I found myself enjoying it more and more and realizing there was a peace that passes understanding coming again. I was being centered again in Him.
For those that know me, you know I am prone to encounters from time to time from the Lord. I had an expectations that would happen but soon I found myself not really caring and just enjoying the journey with Him. As this part of my journey comes to end here in Europe I realized I have been in an encounter with the Lord the whole time.
There was one main question and desire I had through this trip. That desire was to be completely satisfied and reliant on Him. You see more then any other thing since I was a girl, the desire of my heart was to be a wife and mother. Like most girls I thought it would have happened at a young age. I find myself now 31 years old and just as single as I have always been. It has been one of the hardest thing I have had to face. The constant "why God". The battle of hope and feeling like I am being ripped off. Not understanding, dealing with lies that there is something terrible wrong with me. I could go on and on. See your mind will tell you one thing and heart another. People say all kinds of interesting things to try and encourage you and explain it. They give you words that give you hope for a moment and fade with time and you wonder if they where just speaking out of their own hope for you. I used to think I would never marry to make myself deal with it better because it was easier to deal with that fact then live in the tension of hope deferred that had made my heart sick. Then I got to a place finally where I lived in hope and believed "someday soon". The question is how do I live in the place of hope and faith fulling believing but not allowing my heart to grow sick. How do I live there and be completely content in Lord now. I don't actually think there is a direct answer, its part of a journey. So I asked the Lord to meet me while I was all alone on this crazy journey, I asked Him to do something with all of that. I am tired of this crazy battle of the heart.
As I journeyed with Him my heart came more and more into peace and the desire for a family never diminished in any way, maybe actually increased. I felt peace, I felt hope, I felt love!
Then one day, just a few days ago I was in Northern Ireland with the Fire and Fragrance team thats there. They where all busy and I had such a strong desire to just go and be with the Lord. I ended up finding this little road up a mountain and I got higher and higher and never saw a single soul. There where little farm houses around but it was like all the people where missing. There where animals and life everywhere. I just pulled over next to this green field and sat there and waited. Not more then a few seconds passed and the Lord flooded my soul! Out of what seemed like no where He began to speak. He showed me pictures and spoke answers I had wondered about the "why". He spoke His heart! No, he never told me when, he never said anything about the future. He spoke about the past, He showed me how my response of always keeping my heart open in the midst of pain, rejection, not understanding, in the longing and waiting, how I had chosen to love. To give myself away to Him and to others. He asked me if I thought I would have done all of the things I have and ministered in the ways I had, if I He would have given me what I wanted then. Now there is no way of knowing fully what my life would have looked like, but somehow again this crazy peace came. Of course I am weeping as He spoke so many things which are to personal to every put in a blog. He was sweet, tender and I knew His heart. As I drove of that mountain that day I had no more answers of what was to come, but there was a smile between the Lord and I of the secrets we shared, and the relationship we had. It was well with my soul. I have more faith today that I will have my own family someday. I pray this peace and grace remains. I no longer think maybe there is something wrong with me as to why, or even something wrong with them of why they don't choose me. I will never fully understand it all, but my life is bearing more fruit then I ever dreamed it would at 31 years old. I have embraced the pain and known Him in it and it has produced life! The desire and longing increases but so does my faith and hope! Until then it is well with my soul!
So what now? Well I am have one more day in Amsterdam, and I will write a blog soon about this place. Then I head to Irvine, CA where a Circuit Rider team is living and I am going to check in with them and connect with other friends and ministers in the area for about 9 days.
I am still in great need of finances!!! If anyone wants to sow into this journey I could sure use it right about now!
The Ward family adventures by Amy Ward